Stuck

I've never felt quite so frustrated.

I seem to be joining what are apparently swathes of unsatisfied corporate employees who aren't content to have their office job, collect their pay, and just be grateful. The (largely) middle class hoards who have climbed a ladder, plateaued, and are now smashing their work mobiles into their faces wailing, 'there must be more to life than this!'

And I'm not imagining this trend. This exodus by so many is evidenced by, for example, specialist career service Escape the City, who boast having 219,355 people on their books trying to break free of their corporate shackles. The Guardian (naturally) has a whole section about these types called, 'I Gave It All Up'.

Whether it is to start a business, forge a new path in something meaningful, or just selling up and jetting off, it seems many aren't content to settle for 'meh'. 

Although I'm teetering on the edge of chucking it all in, my problem is that I'm staring into an abyss and shouting, 'what the hell do I do instead then?' It's incredibly frustrating to feel so dissatisfied with where your choices have taken you, but not know how to begin to fix it.

How do I 'live my dreams' (as vapid, 'inspirational' quotes posted by morons on Instagram keep telling me to), if I don't know what my dream is?

So, as someone who is not 100% sure they want to live in a yurt in Wales keeping bees, I started by poking around on the internet. Escape the City was the first 'what should I do with my life' resource I came across. I bought their manifesto which contains some useful tips about overcoming certain barriers like fear, inexperience and money that keep you stuck. Their jobs board is good too, and as much as I'd love to take part in their 'Escape Tribes' that help you 'find direction and transition towards more fulfilling work', unfortunately I don't have £2,250 in my back pocket. Looks fun though.

But before job sites and start-up network events can be useful, I need to figure out what the hell I want to achieve.

I came across a pretty wonderful book via the equally wonderful Brainpickings called The Crossroads of Should and Must by Elle Luna, which aims to help you discover your passion. It's process helps to draw out your true interests and curiosities as seeds of what you ultimately would enjoy doing, then advises on how you grow these in a practical sense. It's why I bought a journal, make scribbled notes to myself about things I like/dislike and decided to keep a blog.

Not that being a full time blogger is what I want to ultimately do or anything (that is a very noisy world), but jotting down my thoughts, feelings, and rants is a very cathartic process that helps me see things more clearly. Additionally, it indulges a silly and creative side that I'd pretty much forgotten about in my boring 9-5 existence.

As a result, my current position is thus:

1. I'm aiming to focus my interests using the power of the BLOG.
2. I don't want to spend 8 hours a day at a desk 
3. I am interested in working outdoors, working with food, promoting sustainable living, being kinder to others and the world I live in.
4. I like the idea of organising events or festivals, bringing people together to connect and have a jolly old time.

I'm not sure how this manifests yet, but I'm contacting relevant bodies to try and get some experience through volunteering or part time work. Seeing as starting again is fairly terrifying, I think that taking small steps, meeting new people, and seeing what doors open is a good approach.

As someone with no house or assets to sell, no expensive habits I can quit, or a rich relative about to die, money will be a barrier at some point...I'll cross that bridge when I come to it and let you know how it goes.

Finally, I hope you don't think me ungrateful. I'm thankful for the good things in my life because, well, I'm not a monster. But, when the best response I can muster to the question 'how are you' is, 'Yeah, OK, thanks' then something needs to change. I'm fed up of seeing myself become bitter as a result of spending every day anxious, often unhappy, and then seeing these ripples of negativity affect those around me. Clearly, I am not alone.

So, here I am at the very start of my journey, wanting to make something of myself, be happier, and send out positivity. It'll be a slog, figuring this out. There'll be failures, I imagine it'll be all sorts of emotional. But that'll be OK, and I have a feeling it'll be worth it in the end.