My Hypocritical Life

I'm having a crisis about the world again.

I have regular internal battles, arguing with myself about things, about what's right and wrong, about who is good and bad, and how I should live as a result. It's why I think I often don't come across as very opinionated, but really it's more that I just change my mind on things too often or just plain don't know the right path.

Obviously there are things I find fundamentally wrong. Genocide, for example. Bullying. Torture. Oppression of minorities. Katie Hopkins.

But on other things I seem to face a daily dilemma, the biggest of which is animals.

I love animals. Truly. But I eat meat and dairy and wear leather.

'How can you love animals when you do these things?' I hear you ask. This is a fair question, and I see your point. I've grown up with pets, so I am one of these people who sees cats and dogs differently to how I see a cow, sheep or pig.

I do try and eat 'ethically sourced' and 'free range' where possible...does that help? No, you yuppie. I saw you in that greasy spoon that day you were hungover, and I doubt you asked for the journey of that sausage from farm to plate.

I am a hypocrite. I AM A HYPOCRITE. Because I know how meat and diary are produced on a mass scale. What happens to calves, what happens to chicks, how pigs are kept. And yet so often I reap the rewards of their mistreatment with a brie and bacon burger, sporting my leather boots and woolly jumper, while at the same time pondering how humans can be so cruel to the dogs they keep in horrific conditions for food in other parts of the world.

HYPOCRITE.

I'm not comfortable with this. I need to make more of an effort.

While taking an inordinate amount of time to write this post, my Googling snowballed and I came across a number of books, posts, essays about the ethical dilemma of eating meat, and generally the consumption of animal products, as well as the tangents then stumbled down concerning the effect of our massive population on the world generally.

Not to mention the horrific videos and images from, for example, PETA. I won't post links. If you are having the same concerns as me, you'll find this stuff easy enough and I'm not going to shove it in your face because you should form your own opinions.

So, this is a basic example of what self destructive nonsense goes on in my head:

'Free range sausage is it? But wait...where is your jumper from?? Do you know what they do to sheep?'

'Oh, so you've started buying ethically sourced woolly jumpers? Doesn't help the kids working in the sweat shops who probably made your pants does it?'

'Oh, so you're making your own pants? Well, did you know that the production of the cotton means the use of lots of harmful pesticides??'

And so on.

There's so much to look at, to debate and consider, I exhaust myself to a point of hopelessness sometimes. It's easy to just put your fingers in your ears because the amount of bad in the world is overwhelming, and you feel like you, tiny human, can make no difference against big, rich and powerful corporations.

A friend of mine said something very helpful though when we had a conversation in a similar area. That this attitude is unhelpful. It leads to disenfranchisement that means good people do nothing, and we know what that means - evil triumphs.

So, it's true that more widely, in terms of policy, animal rights laws, fairness for farmers, fairness for producers, affordability, responsible sourcing, and much more, that things need to change. But I can't look at that. It's like the sun. It's too big. What I need to do is personal, and through personal changes we can effect change.

It's key to remember here that there are wonderful people out there already doing this, and spreading the good in their communities and wider. Making a one person stand can make more of a difference than we think. Like the ladies on my street turning a wasteland plot into a community garden where we can grow veg - you're brilliant.

Something as big a lifestyle change as becoming vegan isn't going to happen at the moment. But the change I can make initially is to educate myself, and this is what I have started doing. Until recently, for example, I didn't know a lot about how wool was produced on mass and it's not pretty. So instead of buying the wool I want from Amazon, I've found a little shop in North London - Knit With Attitude - that ensure their wool is sourced ethically.

I have ordered the following books:

The Omnivore's Dilemma
Eating Animals
What Nature Does For Britain

And I will change what I buy, if I buy it at all, as and when my opinions inevitably evolve. I'll continue to make the effort to buy 'happy' meat, fish and dairy. And if the outcome of my research is that 'happy' isn't all it's cracked up to be, then I will reconsider again.

I want to rely less on supermarkets and am going to try and buy more from local producers and retailers. I already try to buy seasonal fruit and I don't understand why all of Tesco's apples are from far off lands when British apples are so damn good in season.

Some of you will think this isn't enough, while others of you will be thinking, 'shut up you damn lefty, liberal hippy'. I'll take it. But I hope that making small, personal changes, will not only reduce my anxiety about the whole thing, but perhaps lead to bigger changes and, maybe, inspire someone else to jump on the bandwagon. If so, winner. And I'll keep you posted :-)