I am not writing because...
I'm terrified.
The reason I can't overcome this is...
because I'm terrified that I'll actually try and do this and I'll be bad at it, and then I won't be able to fantasise about it being my escape from a humdrum, normal life where I feel I have no control over my own destiny. I'm terrified that I will lose hope. That I'm not, in fact, creative or clever enough to write and be successful. I don't feel like I deserve it. I think it's in me but because I haven't been keeping a journal of poetry since I was 12, or taken any classes, or been disciplined enough to keep up a blog, I don't feel like I am 'allowed' to now try my hand at this, something that so many try and fail at, that so many have spent years of dedication to perfect their art. I'm terrified that it's too big for me, and I am not good enough.
The benefit I am getting from not writing is...
Having the idea of being writer hover in front of me, proclaiming 'one day I'll do it and it will save me'.
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So, you're terrified. So what? Being scared just means this is something worth doing, something that will be difficult and that you have to have patience with and work hard at. If you weren't terrified, I'd be worried. If you weren't terrified, you'd have an ego that was too big. Be terrified, but do it anyway. After all, how mad will you be if on your deathbed all you can think is that you should have just given it a go? Get over it. You're wasting time. Your fear is justified.
As for losing hope, losing a sanctuary, the fear of missing the daydream if you fail. You probably will fail, at least once, but probably more than you will care to count. But failure is part of the process.
But I just don't think I'm good enough. My confidence is shot.
And how will you ever know if you don't try? You have, albeit minimally, written before, had blogs, kept journals. You stop because of your fear, and because you are impatient and all over the place. Just because a blog doesn't have a million followers in a week, or you don't come up with something that is a social media sensation with a trending hashtag the first time you sit down to a computer, doesn't mean you aren't any good. One day at a time, work, improve, find your own way and stop caring about that shit.
Next. Save you? Save you from what?
From my crappy 9 to 5 existence where my life doesn't matter. From being invisible. From the mundane and ordinary. From feeling worthless.
OK, writing isn't your ticket out. You have to respect it, not just imagine it is something that make you interesting to other people and give you some made up fantasy life. Your life isn't a movie. You will probably still have to have a crappy 9 to 5, or something that pays the bills because you don't know what will come of this. This is journey and you don't know if it will 'save' you eventually or not. But if the idea of doing it won't leave you alone, then just fucking get on with it because the internal moaning and worry and panic is exhausting.
But it feels like this huge thing, this revered art form that only is only for the few and what makes me so special to even imagine I could be a 'Writer'?
That's ridiculous. You have read a lot of crap in your time, plus there is so much content out there because this IS an accessible thing which you don't need to put on a pedestal. How many 'successful' blogs have you come across where you think the writing is poor? You're better than those and yet you don't think you belong here. And you have a yearning to dig inside and throw your imagination at paper, but you just don't know how to access it. Being a writer is only huge if you choose to look at it that way, if you think of it in terms of book launches and prizes and film deals and being interviewed on breakfast TV. That is an idea you have to get out of your head. You have to compartmentalise this, take it in small chunks, and baby step your way along. Don't revere it, writing is not your god, or your king; it is your friend, and it is on your level.
